Dreaming with a Broken Heart
by nicolasamaria
Summary: Chuck and Blair lose something very important to them. Will it tear them apart of bring them closer together? Futurefic, possible two-shot. Angst, at least by my standards.


**Inspired by Dreaming with a Broken Heart by John Mayer. Sad songs I listen to in the middle of the night.**

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At first glance, it seems almost unfathomable. Certainty in it's occurrence is so far from your mind that the second it happens, it makes it all the worse. Death is not something to be taken lightly or with a grain of salt. Death is inevitable and leaves the deepest and darkest scar.

It was winter, as it should have been. Something so daunting and heartbreaking shouldn't take place in the summer, when everything is vivid and sunny. No, winter was a fitting season for this day. The sky was dark grey and the clouds looked angry as the rain poured down from the sky in sheets.

He sat in the back of his limo, nursing a glass of scotch as his wife sat as far away from him as she could possibly get. She had woken up that morning with a jolt and tears streaming down her face and when she turned to him for comfort, he was gone. She had nightmares while he never slept. He hadn't slept in two weeks. He was barely functioning, but she was too busy dealing with her own grief to notice.

– – – –

She woke up and he was gone and suddenly everything hit her at once and she took in a deep breath. She couldn't breathe, she was suffocating. She clawed at her chest, trying to let air in. She rolled off the bed and on to the floor, gasping for air.

It was at that moment that he wandered into the room, he almost missed her at first, but then he heard it. The hysterical sobs that were coming from her side of the bed. He crossed the room quickly and kneeled down beside her,

"Blair." he whispered and stroked his hand over her tangled locks. She shook her head and continued to sob,

"I forgot." she wailed and Chuck sat down next to her on the floor, wrapping her in his arms and hugging her tightly to his chest,

"Forgot what?" he asked quietly and Blair shook her head and sobbed even louder. He couldn't do anything about it, and it killed him,

"Talk to me." he pleaded. She took in an audible and shaky breath and ran her hands over his forearm,

"I was dreaming." she whispered and he kissed her hair, "I was dreaming that we were all together again and she … she was there Chuck!" she whispered fiercely, "It felt so real." she cried and buried her head farther into his chest. He tightened his hold on her, afraid that if he let her go, she'd fall apart completely.

"I wanted it to be real so badly. I tried … I tried to touch her, but she just disappeared." she whispered and he felt hot tears on his shirt, He felt hopeless. He needed to be cold or distant, so she couldn't see how much he was really hurting

"I love you." he said softly and it only made her sob harder. They sat like that for awhile, Chuck sitting quietly and Blair sobbing as hard as she could. By the time they both went to get ready her eyes were blood shot and her face blotchy and tear-stained. As they dressed, it was as if time was moving too slow. They both knew that of all the days in their lives, this was going to be the longest. Everything Chuck numbly put on was black; everything Blair carefully buttoned and zipped was black. Her long chestnut hair was up in a tight bun and he watched her with dark eyes as she adjusted the veil on her funeral hat. She looked so frail and tired that he was terrified to even speak.

"Your hair looks awful." she murmured, finally breaking the silence. He stared at her for a moment in awe and then scowled,

"What does it matter." he muttered and it wasn't a question but she answered anyways,

"It's her funeral Chuck, you know she'd want you to look your best." she said in a monotone voice. It was a command and one that Chuck promptly obeyed as he attempted to comb out his hair. It was flying in all different directions and pretty much unmanageable.

"Fuck!" he cried and threw the comb against the mirror with all his strength, causing it to crack. He groaned as he stared at it and then slid down on the floor, holding his head in his hands and he let out a mangled sob. He felt her walk in but he didn't look up, he just stared down at the beige tiles as they repeated the same pattern over and over. He saw her kneel before him like he had done to her a few hours ago,

"Let me help you." she said in the same emotionless voice as before. He looked up and she had a bottle of gel in her hand and the comb he'd thrown in the other. He simply sat there as she fixed his hair and when she was satisfied she got up and left him sitting there.

"Blair." he croaked as she walked through the bathroom door and she turned to look at him, her eyes tired and cold.

"Not now Chuck." she choked out and walked out. He got to his feet and followed her out of their penthouse, not bothering to put on his coat.

– – – –

She sat as far away from him as possible. They both grieved in the same way. They alienated themselves from the people they loved most. He continued to stare at her as she looked blankly out of the darkened window. Then suddenly he was angry, out of of all of the people in the word, this had to happen to them. They didn't deserve this, Blair didn't deserve this.

"Ow!" he hissed. Blair looked over at him startled. He'd been gripping his scotch so tightly in his hand that it shattered, staining the seat next to him. He scooted away quickly so it wouldn't get on him, he could only imagine the fit Blair would throw if he went smelling of scotch. He shook out his hand and winced as blood tickled down his fingers. He jumped when Blair's small cold hands touched his, inspecting his hand. She sighed and reached over to the bar, grabbing a white bar towel and placing it on her lap.

"I'm sorry." he said hoarsely. She said nothing, just continued to inspect his hand, she moved mechanically and it scared him.

"You don't have any pieces stuck in your hand." she murmured as she flipped his hand over and ran her slender fingers over his knuckles. He heard her sigh softy and then apply pressure to his still bleeding cuts. She reached across him and rolled down the divider so she could speak with Arthur,

"Arthur." she called faintly,

"Yes, Mrs. Bass?" the driver asked.

"Do we happen to have a first aid kit." He nodded and reached forward, fumbling with the glove compartment before quickly handing her a small white box. She took it and returned to tending to Chucks hand.

"Thank you." she said and Arthur nodded before raising the divider once again. Chuck said nothing as she meticulously cleaned his hand. He reached over with his good hand and cupped the side of her face. She flinched slightly at first but then leaned into his touch,

"Why are you so warm?" she whispered, more to herself than to Chuck. He took it as a rhetorical question and said nothing, he simply rubbed his thumb across her cheekbone and then pulled her closer so he could kiss he forehead.

"I love you." He breathed and she pulled away from him. He let his hand hang there, where it had been touching her, for a few moments before letting it drop in defeat. She handed him a few band aids and returned to her side of the limo.

– – – – –

They stood, figures masked in pain and guilt, as the priest or whoever said a prayer. Blair and Chuck couldn't hear anything. They were both staring at the closed casket in sort of a morbid fascination. All of their family and friends were there, all huddled together behind Chuck and Blair. Neither of them noticed when the old man standing at the podium stopped talking and a tiny blonde girl walked up.

"I never thought I'd be here. I never wanted to be here." she mumbled and then held her head high,

"When you lose someone you love, the first thing you want to do is crawl under a rock and never come out." she said and pointedly looked at Serena, who was clutching Jenny's hand tightly.

"Olivia wouldn't want that from me, from anyone." The girl took in a shaky breath before continuing,

"When my dad died a few years ago, I was that person hiding under that rock. I refused to see the light in anything, I was too angry at the world. But Liv … she always saw the glass as half full." her voice broke slightly and she wiped a tear threatening to fall from her eyes,

"One day after school, I was sitting on the steps waiting to be picked up, moping as usual, and Liv plopped herself down next to me and she just smiled at me. She said 'Cece, I love your coat.' and I scowled at her for the longest time, but she didn't move." Cece struggled slightly with her words,

"I'll never forget what she did next. She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and said … 'Life wasn't meant to be easy. It's meant to hurt and to tear you down and to make you feel like the world is against you. But it's also meant to comfort you, to wrap itself around you and make you feel safe. When times are bad, just realize that life is an amazing gift. It needs to be cherished, like a frozen hot chocolate from Serendipity's on a hot summer day.'" Cece said, her voice going from strong to weak as she spoke,

" 'Your dad wouldn't want this Cece, he'd want you to to remember the good times. Like summer's in Martha's Vineyard and winter's in Aspen. He'd want you to stop grieving and enjoy yourself, let your hair lose and smile once in awhile'" Cece took in a deep breath,

"So I did and life wasn't so cruel after that. I know she'd want me to do the same now. Olivia wasn't just my best friend... she was my diary,my rock, my inspiration … my sister." Tears were streaming down her face in earnest now and she sniffled,

"So this is my promise to her, I will remember you as the greatest friend I ever had and the best person I've ever known. When I think of you I won't be sad, I'll smile. I'll smile and laugh because that's what you'd want. To be remembered with happiness." she whispered and then walked around the podium and placed a single yellow rose on top of the casket.

– – – –

The group grew smaller and smaller as people drifted away until the only two that remained were Chuck and Blair. The casket had been lowered into the ground and covered awhile ago. The sun was disappearing into the horizon and it was getting cold.

But they couldn't bear to leave.

"I keep expecting to wake up." Blair mumbled as she looked down at the fresh grave. Chuck's head snapped up and he glanced over at her, waiting for her to continue.

"I'm hoping that this is a dream. Or a nightmare, I guess." she said quietly.

Chuck said nothing, he couldn't. It suddenly felt as if all the air was gone and he couldn't breath. He rubbed his chest uncomfortably, hoping it'd help, but it didn't. He fell to his knees and thats when he realized he was sobbing. He hadn't cried in so long, he'd forgotten what it felt like. But he was crying now and he remembered why he didn't like it.

"You're crying." Blair said numbly as she stood in front of Chuck. He said nothing just grabbed onto her and pulled her to him, burying his face against her stomach.

"I'm sorry." he repeated over and over. Blair said nothing, just letting him hold onto her. It took a few seconds, but she closed her eyes and the tears began to fall. She ran her fingers through his hair and kissed the top of his head,

"I love you, I love you too." she breathed and then gasped when he tugged her down on the soggy ground with him. They stared into each others eyes, dark chocolate and honey melting into each other.

"I..."

"Cece is right." Blair interrupted and Chuck frowned at her. She took in a deep breath and continued,

"We have to remember the good times. We … can't be … we have to appreciate the time we had her." she struggled with the words, they didn't seem to flow as well as they normally did.

"Blair." he said softly, his heartbreaking a little bit more. She shook her head and grabbed his hand and brought it to her face,

"I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose myself." she kissed his palm and he closed his eyes as he relished in the feeling,

"She's always going to be here." she murmured and brought his hand to her chest, over her heart,

"And here." she whispered as she moved both her hands to his head and pulled him toward her. He let her and she kissed his forehead softly.

"I tried Blair." he whispered and touched his forehead to hers, "I tried to be cold. I tried to not care. It hurts too much." he sighed and then crushed her to him gently.

"I know."

"It's not going to be easy."

"I know."

"It's not going to happen over night either."

"I know. But …" she said as she pulled back so she could look him in the eyes, "I need you. Now and forever."

"We need each other." he corrected and she almost smiled. She simply shook her head and took in a deep breath,

"I can still feel her." she whispered as a heavy wind blew by and sent her hat tumbling off. Then she blinked when something wet hit her nose. She looked up and flecks of white were falling from the sky. And she laughed. For the first time in three weeks Blair laughed.

"Chuck! It's snowing!"she said in awe. Chuck watched his wife closely as she looked at the snow falling around her.

"Take your hair down." he said suddenly. Blair looked at him like he was crazy.

"Please." he said and she frowned at him before complying. She shook out her long brown hair and then looked at him expectantly,

"What now?" she asked and he smiled at her,

"Enjoy yourself." he said simply and she looked at him incredulously.

"What?" she asked, a little dumbstruck. He reached over and ran his fingers through her hair, that was already drenched and covered in snow,

"This is her, can't you feel it?" he asked and then looked up into the sky. The snow was falling around them and even though he was freezing without a coat, Chuck had never felt safer.

"It's her way of telling us that . . . it's all going to be okay." he said, choking on the words and he felt her press her cold lips against his throat.

"She did love the snow." Blair said quietly. Then they both laid back on the snow covered floor, not caring that they were probably going to catch pneumonia.

Their hands intertwined they simply watched the snow fall.

– – – –

When they were drenched to the bone and shivering so much they couldn't even talk, they got up to leave. Chuck grasped Blair's hand firmly in his but she pulled away at the last moment and grabbed a rose that had been sitting in the small vase next to the large block of granite. She took in a deep breath before laying the white flower next to the inscription at the base of the slab.

"I love you." she breathed before she went over to Chuck. They stared at it for a moment, simply watching as the snow continued to fall, making the rose almost invisible.

"Let's go home." she whispered. Chuck looked down at her and nodded. Tomorrow would be bad, the day after even worse, but eventually, they might learn to live again.

– – – –

_ Olivia Bass _

_January 24__th__ 2016 – December 10__th__ 2030_

_ Beloved daughter and friend_

_And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years -A.L_

**A/N: Tried my hand at writing angst, not sure if it worked out too well since it almost seems like a happy ending. Anyways, when I can't sleep at night (which is often) I always find myself thinking about life and sometimes I have these really morbid thoughts about people I love dying. That's where this little tidbit came from. Thinking about making it a two shot, not really sure if I have it in me to write another chapter. But feedback is always appreciated. **

**-Nicole**


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